Twinkies and Zombies

(Please read from the bottom up.)

The rain outside slid down the windows of the white rambler-style home. It had been raining all day. The tap-tap of raindrops was the only sound in what would have been complete silence. Charlotte, an average girl in a zombie-ridden world, sat in a black leather chair. Her eyes were focused on the rug in the middle of the room. It was not the rug that was interesting, but instead the pool of blood that stained it. A revolver dangled from her fingers, and she had slouched further into the leather of the chair. A body, perhaps of a man, lay face down on the floor. The blood on the rug had leaked from a giant cavern in the face.

Charlotte rubbed her thumb slowly along the top of the revolver, repeating the gesture with each passed moment. “It was an accident,” she finally said. “Why did you have to…why?” A tear rolled down her cheek, mimicking the raindrops sliding down the window. And yet, despite her slouched position in the chair, her muscles were so tight she felt statuesque or gargoyle-like. It was the end, she could tell, and all that was left was the consumed Twinkie in her stomach, and the body on the rug of a zombie that wanted it.  

Jared Porter

From: Charlotte Macfarlane
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:41 AM
To: Jared Porter
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

In the rain. Tears streaming down my face. It was dramatic.

Charlotte Macfarlane

From: Jared Porter
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:30 AM
To: Charlotte Macfarlane
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

Hmmm. I think his response would have ruined your whole “slow-motion-movie-moment.” I mean, think about it:

Charlotte: “Do you like Twinkie-filled bodies more than non-Twinkie-filled bodies?”

Charlotte’s brother-zombie: “arrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh, uuhhhhhklllllllll—kah—kah—arrrrggggggghhhhhhh…”

Jared Porter

From: Charlotte Macfarlane
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:28 AM
To: Jared Porter
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

Kind of while I was doing it. It was like a slow motion movie moment.

Charlotte Macfarlane

From: Jared Porter
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:27 AM
To: Charlotte Macfarlane
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

Before you shot him in the face?

Jared Porter

From: Charlotte Macfarlane
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:19 AM
To: Jared Porter
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

I asked him. He said no.

Charlotte Macfarlane

From: Jared Porter
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:19 AM
To: Charlotte Macfarlane
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

Ah, right.

Charlotte, this does not prove that you know if zombies don’t care whether a body is Twinkie-filled or not.

Jared Porter

From: Charlotte Macfarlane
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:16 AM
To: Jared Porter
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

Well yeah. I shot his face off though.

Charlotte Macfarlane

From: Jared Porter
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:15 AM
To: Charlotte Macfarlane
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

Uh, used to be?

Jared Porter

From: Charlotte Macfarlane
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:11 AM
To: Jared Porter
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

My brother used to be one.

Charlotte Macfarlane

From: Jared Porter
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:09 AM
To: Charlotte Macfarlane
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

How do you know?

Jared Porter

From: Charlotte Macfarlane
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:09 AM
To: Jared Porter
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

Zombies don’t care if you taste like a twinkie or not.

Charlotte Macfarlane

From: Jared Porter
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:08 AM
To: Charlotte Macfarlane
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

Yes, so all you’re doing is making your body a more desirable snack for a zombie. So, basically making the whole zombie-killing more difficult. 1) You’ll be too tired to fight off the masses of zombies that want your Twinkie-body and 2) you’ll be distracted by the cream-filling.

Jared Porter

From: Charlotte Macfarlane
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:05 AM
To: Jared Porter
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

Forever on your waistline….

Charlotte Macfarlane

From: Jared Porter
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:04 AM
To: Charlotte Macfarlane
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

Killing zombies takes a lot of energy. Twinkies are short-lived. Jus’ saying.

Jared Porter

From: Charlotte Macfarlane
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:02 AM
To: Jared Porter
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

Have you not seen zombieland? Fix it.

Charlotte Macfarlane

From: Jared Porter
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:02 AM
To: Charlotte Macfarlane
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

No. Charlotte. No. How can you eat Twinkies when there are zombies wandering about?

Jared Porter

From: Charlotte Macfarlane
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:01 AM
To: Jared Porter
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

Make sure you have your twinkies too.

Charlotte Macfarlane

From: Jared Porter
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 11:01 AM
To: Chase Richins; Nick Fankhauser; Lenna Thomas; Andy Lovell; Charlotte Macfarlane
Subject: RE: Zombie Apocalypse

I still think a Katana blade would be better for the Zombie Apocalypse.

Jared Porter

From: Chase Richins
Sent: Friday, April 12, 2013 10:55 AM
To: Nick Fankhauser; Lenna Thomas; Andy Lovell; Jared Porter; Charlotte Macfarlane
Subject: FW: Zombie Apocalypse

My wife sent me this article. Pretty interesting and kinda funny.

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-04-11/when-the-zombies-attack-you-ll-need-your-gun.html